Kim Walker Smith, the lead singer for world renown worship band Jesus Culture, felt overwhelmed and dazed following the birth of her second son.
She cried without knowing why. She mumbled her words. When her mother suggested postpartum depression as the cause, Smith laughed.
"I thought postpartum depression was when you were depressed you weren't pregnant anymore," Smith said. "No one had talked to me about it. I Googled it and everything I read, I thought, this is what is happening to me."
Smith's postpartum journey, the loss of her father soon after and a move to a new city, left the singer seeking Jesus in new ways.
Her struggles inspired the 2017 solo album, On My Side, a collection of songs reflecting on God's healing strength.
On July 20, Smith, 36, brings her On My Side tour to Jannus Live in St. Petersburg. Concert begins at 7 p.m. Tickets, ranging from $24.50 to $42.50, are available at premierproductions.com.
I spoke to Smith about the tour and her willingness to share personal stories through music.
How does touring solo differ from traveling with Jesus Culture?
With the solo tour I go through the night differently than I would with Jesus Culture. I have testimonies and videos interwoven throughout the night, so it's more ministry focused throughout rather than at one particular point. The goal is to bring encouragement to people and show how God has been with people through these breaking points in their lives. Also, the songs are a little more intimate from the solo record, and musically they are a bit different.
How do the songs from On My Side reflect your story?
They are about this four-year season of my life when I struggled with postpartum depression very badly, I lost my dad to Parkinson's and we moved to plant a new church. So, it was this hard season of transition. I had to walk through it with the Lord and On My Side came out of that. Jesus was there with me through it all. Before I always thought I needed to have everything in my life perfect for Jesus and I was desperate to do that. I realized I can't. I can't get everything to be perfect. But God is still there.
Have many women reached out to you about postpartum depression?
Yes. It's been pretty incredible actually. There are so many women suffering at varying degrees. Women say people have told them they just need to get with Jesus or that it isn't real. Yes, there is a spiritual component, but there are also a lot of hormonal things going on with the body.
Which of your songs in particular relate to postpartum?
Brave Surrender. It's really about letting go, giving it to God and not letting the fear control me.
Just One Touch, it's about my prayer in that moment, that feeling of desperation that all you need is just one touch from Jesus. It's about the bleeding woman who fought the crowd to touch Jesus.
How is On My Side different stylistically than your work with Jesus Culture?
I did this album in the studio. My albums are normally live. It's completely different because there is no crowd bringing more energy to the music. I wanted to tell a story with this album. In the studio, I could just get it all out. I was also able to do a lot of different things with my voice. There are a lot of beautiful string arrangements. The songs are more stripped down than I am used to. We did just release a live version of On My Side, because some people just like live better, so there are both options.
You continue to perform Sunday worship at Jesus Culture Church in Sacramento. How is singing at church different than on tour?
At church, it's this moment of worship where you are with people who know you, who you do life with and it's time for you to worship Jesus together. On tour I always try to keep it worship focused but it is different because you are with people who some may want to worship or some may just want to be entertained. There are different levels of engagement.
What do you think about the labels put on music such as Christian or worship? Do you think those labels will fade?
There is a little bit of a line sometimes. I think the worlds are merging. I think you hear more worship music on the radio now, Christian music in the mainstream, but there is still some separation. I do feel like that is what is happening though, that the labels are slowly falling away.
How is it different for women in ministry today than when you started leading worship 20 years ago?
I think the church is making really great strides at empowering women. I definitely see more women in ministry and leadership roles than when I first started. Back then, it was more about women teaching children's classes or singing in the band. Now I see women speaking not just for other women but men are listening to. I still don't see a lot of women in decision making roles. So, we've made a lot of progress but we still have a ways to go.
What direction do you see your career going in the future?
I feel really blessed and surprised God has allowed me to do this for so long. I want to keep writing songs that express my heart and relationship with the Lord. I love what I do. I love getting to serve the body of Christ by singing worship. I just want to continue doing that and I hope my music always represents Jesus.
Contact Sarah Whitman at sarahrothwhitman@gmail.com.